A bit of Insanity
by musician95
Summary: Coming to Austin to see Ben again after 8 months, Grace has to learn the hard way what time and distance can do to people: turn them into complete strangers. Is there still hope for Romeo and Juliet?


It had been a long way to Austin – seemingly endless, with the prospect of what was awaiting her there.

It was strange, really. She'd been thinking about him all year. She'd imagined making the journey to Austin so many times that it felt almost surreal now that she was actually going there.

The thing was, she didn't feel happy about it anymore. From what Lucy had told her on the phone, there was no reason to be happy.

Things had changed, as you would expect them to over time. A lot could happen in eight months. She hadn't seen Ben in almost a year and the sensible part of her _knew_ that he had to be different somehow, after all that time.

But still, even the best amount of reason couldn't possibly have prepared her for this. The person she found in Austin, the guy she spent two hours secretly observing during his rehearsal – that surely wasn't the Benjamin Tickle she used to know.

The Austin Ballet was rehearsing for a big show of "Romeo and Juliet" (ironic, right?) and clearly, he was supposed to be the star of the evening. Romeo, of course. Who else? Everyone had been taken aback by his Romeo when they performed it on tour with the Academy.

But that was a long time ago. And apparently, Ben wasn't Romeo anymore. From the way he danced, he could've been anyone _but_ Romeo.

Grace saw why Lucy had called her. She really did. She just didn't know what to do, how to help him, and honestly, she was so shocked after seeing him in rehearsal that she left without even speaking a word to him.

That first evening in Austin, she didn't talk to Lucy or Marcus about what happened. But she was determined to do _something_ about the situation, and not only because Marcus was already furious.

Of course, he wanted the Romeo from the Academy for his big night. He wanted the guy he'd taken in after Grace had begged him to give Ben a chance; just one audition. And now the guy who'd convinced everyone in this one audition seemed to have disappeared into thin air, replaced by someone edgier, darker than Benjamin Tickle could ever be.

"We don't need that kind of Romeo!" Marcus had practically screamed in Ben's face during rehearsal. "Nobody does! So would you please _cut_ this _crap_ and do what you're here for!"

"You mean save this goddamn ballet?" Ben had replied. "Because we both know that you could shut this whole thing down without me, so I guess it's your choice. _This_ is the only Romeo I've got. Either you let me do it my way or I'm out."

What a scandalous lie. But at least there was one person who knew the truth, even if she might have been the only one: This was not the only version of Romeo Ben had in store. In fact, Grace didn't even know about this version until she saw it with her own eyes, but she knew for sure about the other one, the one he'd danced for what felt like a million times with her as a partner.

The question was, where did this dark Romeo come from? Why had he changed so much that she barely recognized him?

Whatever it was, Grace declared it her personal mission to find out.

* * *

The next day, she was determined to talk to Ben before rehearsal but didn't get the chance to do so as he appeared almost an hour late. Marcus nearly lost it in front of the whole cast.

 _Afterwards it is_ , Grace decided. This time, though, she didn't stay behind to watch. She couldn't really bear it, and besides, she would need some coffee to get her through the day.

When she returned around six p.m., it was already dark outside. People were disappearing into their wardrobes, most of them looking annoyed and tired out. One girl actually stuck out her middle finger in front of Ben's door before disappearing behind the next one. The sign on her door read _Linda Decker._ Must be the Linda Marcus had told her about – the one playing Juliet.

"What Juliet would want that kind of Romeo?" Marcus had asked Lucy and her over dinner the other night. "I'm actually beginning to pity poor Linda for being the female lead. Can you believe it?"

"God knows what's gotten into this boy." Lucy had shaken her head in disbelief, but Grace hadn't said a thing. As bad as it was, she knew better than to judge other people before knowing the real story.

As the hallway cleared out, she braced herself for seeing him again. Face to face. No hiding, no running away. Would he hug her? Would he be happy to see her? Would he smile his famous Benster smile that never failed to make her laugh?

Disappointment hit her like a tsunami when she rapped on the door and didn't see his smile. What she saw was his naked chest, two female arms wrapped around his neck and red lipstick all over his face.

The girl standing behind him had black hair and a pretty face, but that was about all Grace saw of her. She was too busy looking at Ben and taking it all in, the whole scene as it was, her brain just beginning to process what this meant.

And Ben's puzzled look didn't make things any easier for her. He had the same brown eyes, the same tanned skin, the same muscular arms and curly hair and he still did that twitching thing with his eyebrow that he used to do every time he was trying really hard to figure something out.

"Grace?" he said finally. With one hand, he freed himself from the girl's grip and shoved her back.

"Nice one, Benjamin. Wow. You know, I think I'll just come back later, because you're obviously busy right now…" She'd already turned away from him, swallowing back tears.

All year, the thought of seeing him again had been her anchor. She'd enjoyed traveling. Christmas in Vietnam. She'd needed it, but she also understood that she needed him. And some silly, naïve part of her had hoped, all this time, that she would come back and things would still be exactly as they'd left them. That he would _wait_ for her.

"Grace." Suddenly, her wrist was caught in his hand.

"Leave me alone! I don't even care what you're doing. I don't care what you've become. It's none of my business, anyway! Just… Just go ahead and ruin your life, Benjamin. And maybe try not to ruin everyone else's along the way."

Before he could say anything else, Grace pulled free from his grip and took off down the hallway.

Air. She needed some air, and then she needed to leave. Leave Austin, the country, the planet. Was it too late to become an astronaut? Dancing without gravity could be fun, right?

* * *

A new day. She'd told Marcus and Lucy that she'd tried, that she'd done everything she could and it hadn't worked. She said she was sorry but it was time for her to go.

Giving up had never been her thing. It felt strange, but this time, things just seemed too hopeless to carry on. Marcus and Lucy didn't push the issue, even though Marcus did look really desperate when she broke him the news.

Still, Grace knew she had to leave. There was no point in fighting if there was nothing left to fight for.

The next available flight to Sydney left at nine p.m. – she was going to visit some old friends and see if they were any better off than her. Actually, they had to be. Who could imagine anything worse than this?

After packing up her stuff, Grace decided to spend the day just strolling around the city. But obviously, fate seemed to have other plans for her. She'd just had her morning coffee when Marcus called, his voice frantic.

"He's not here! Do you have _any_ idea where he is?!"

"You mean Ben?"

"Of course I mean Ben! Who else… – Just tell me if you know anything. Anything!"

She looked at her watch. Rehearsal had been due to start two hours ago. Marcus had every reason to believe that, if he wasn't already there, Ben was not showing up anymore.

But where in the world could he be? And how could she possibly have any idea of his whereabouts?

"Well, what about his girlfriend? Is she in today?"

"Girlfriend?" Marcus seemed confused.

"The girl who was with him yesterday", Grace explained. "The black-haired beauty."

"You mean Mindy? She's right here. They're all here. Everyone but Romeo."

She sighed. "I'm sorry, Marcus, I really have no idea where he is."

"But… Whatever happened yesterday, you're my last hope! You need to understand, this is important! My Juliet is about to sign off and the first show starts tomorrow at ten…"

"Marcus –"

"Please, Grace. I'm begging you. Imagine a sold-out theatre waiting for Romeo and Juliet. We _can't_ disappoint all those people, can we?"

"Did you try calling him?"

"Call goes straight to voicemail. Left him like fifty messages."

"Well, where does he live?"

Not that she actually wanted to go anywhere near his place. But Marcus needed her, and she understood this was serious. They needed their Romeo, and for some crazy reason, everyone was still betting on Ben. Because they knew he could do it, just as he'd done it with her.

The perfect Romeo. If they managed to find him in the next twenty-four hours, maybe there was still a chance for things to work out.

"Hold on, I'll text you the address. You're the best, Grace."

"Do I really have to go?" she asked. "He's probably not even there. Can't you send someone else?"

"Trust me", Marcus said. "It has to be you."

* * *

Ben's apartment seemed pretty ratty for a principal dancer, but Grace decided once again not to judge. He lived on the third floor, so she just rang the bell and waited for the heavy wooden door to open. After two minutes and no kind of response, she rang again. And again.

Just as she wanted to turn around and leave, Ben's head appeared in the window three stories above her.

"What the hell do you want from –" He stopped abruptly when he saw her standing on the doorstep.

"Hey!" Grace called up, feeling pretty damn stupid as she stood there. "Would you please open the door for me?"

"Go away, okay? I'm trying to ruin my life up here!"

The words made her tense up. "What are you talking about, Ben? Come on, let me in. Please."

"What do you even _want_ from me, huh? All of you!" He was talking in a blur, as if he was drunk. "Tell Marcus that he can take his fucking Romeo and shove him down his ass! Who the fuck needs ballet? Those stupid tights and… stupid shoes…"

The next second, a pair of ballet shoes came flying out his window, hitting the asphalt right in front of her. Grace bent down to pick them up.

"…stupid everything!" Ben continued cursing, until she decided to cut him off.

"Stop it, Ben, okay? That's crazy!"

He laughed. "Absolutely, my dear Juliet!"

 _Juliet._ Why did he call her that? It wasn't like this had anything to do with Romeo and Juliet. This was what a bit of time and distance could do to people. Turn Romeo and Juliet into complete strangers.

"Benjamin", she tried again, pleading this time. "Can I _please_ come up?"

And for some reason, he actually stopped talking and just looked at her for a second. Then he disappeared. Moments later, the front door opened and there he was.

"Wow. Sorry." She blushed, but the sight of him was really pretty wrecked.

He wore his pajama pants, a stained hoodie and no shoes. There were dark circles under his eyes that she'd never seen before. Instead of saying anything, he just held out a half-full bottle of vodka to her. "Want some?"

"Thanks." She took the bottle from him but didn't drink, of course. "You take these, all right?" Pressing the ballet shoes into his hands.

"Don't need them. I'm never dancing again", Ben declared.

"And why is that?"

"Well, look at me! It wrecked me! _Romeo and Juliet_ wrecked me."

„It wrecked you? Poor Ben", she replied without missing a beat. „Wanna know what wrecked me?" But of course, she didn't wait for an answer. „Seeing you dance in rehearsal the other day."

If Ben was in any way affected by her words, he didn't show it. „I know it sucked, okay? But believe it or not, everyone else in this freakin' ballet sucks even more at Romeo than me. I am actually their best shot."

„The thing is, you don't generally suck", Grace pointed out. „You did a pretty great job as Romeo on tour, remember?"

„Oh, how could I forget?" He shook his head, laughing. It was a bitter sound, no trace of the good old Benster laugh. Grace found herself wondering if it was still in there somewhere. She didn't think the world could ever be the same without his laugh.

„Truth is: I suck at Romeo", Ben continued, staring down at his feet. „Even back then, I sucked. Guess I've never been good enough for Juliet."

When he drove one hand through his messy hair, Grace realized how truly tired he looked. And not just from lack of sleep. This guy looked tired of _everything_ : dancing, himself, the world.

It was in this moment that Grace understood how serious the situation really was. But before she could say anything, Ben started shutting the door in her face.

„Actually, I don't think it's a good idea for you to come in", he said, still not looking at her. „Just leave me alone, all right? And don't come back. Ever."

„Wait!" Her foot was in the door before he could shut it completely. „That's not what you want, Ben. Please."

„What I want – what I _need_ – is more vodka", he shot back.

„No", Grace replied firmly, hiding the bottle behind her back. „What we really need to do is talk, don't you think? About what happened before I left. With us."

„Us?" Ben snorted. „You left. That's it. Now where's my vodka?"

„Look, I didn't _reject_ you, if that's what you think!" she said. „I didn't leave for Vietnam because you weren't good enough! You were…"

She looked at him; at the old hoodie he was wearing and then up at his face, half hidden in the shadows. „You were perfect, Ben. And I knew you could find someone better than me, which is why I left. I didn't wanna stand in your way. And obviously, you _did_ find someone."

They were both quiet for a while, and Grace wondered if leaving wouldn't be for the best. She'd already done everything she could, more than Marcus had asked of her. She had found Ben. Whether or not he was going to dance tomorrow was none of her business. Nobody was expecting her to _cure_ him.

So… what was she waiting for?

When Ben lifted his eyes to look back at her, she knew what had been missing.

„Are you talking about Mindy?" he asked quietly.

Grace nodded. „And I bet she's not the only one."

„Well." Ben shrugged. „That's just how things have been going lately. But Mindy's not… you know. Better than you."

„Oh, I'm pretty sure she is", Grace replied. „I mean, what could possibly be wrong with her? She's a dancer and she's pretty. What else do you want?"

„She's not the _Prix de Fonteyn_ champion", Ben argued.

Grace sighed. „So maybe she doesn't dance as well as I do. But she's still a better person. And why do you even care?"

Silence again. After a moment, Ben took a deep breath and explained: „I've never chosen anyone over you. But when you didn't want me anymore, I had to find a way to go on, okay? And all those girls, they were just… just _there._ "

„I never said I didn't want you." She raised her eyebrows at him, surprised. „I've been trying to tell you that I don't _deserve_ you, Ben! Because you're such a great person and I just wreck everything that comes my way. And I didn't wanna wreck _you_."

„Are you kidding? You never wrecked anything for me! You've always been so much fun, and I've missed _everything_ about you!"

She looked at him, too startled by his words to say anything at first. So he _had_ missed her. A lot, apparently. Just like she'd missed him.

„But I can't always be fun", Grace continued, remembering why she'd left for Vietnam in the first place. „Most of the time, I feel pretty insane. It's just when I'm dancing that I'm somehow… in control of myself. But there's so much more to life than dancing, and I guess I just didn't want all that insanity to fall on you."

„I don't mind a bit of insanity", Ben told her, one corner of his mouth twitching in a very familiar way. Seeing a trace of the old Ben made her heart light up, but at the same time she felt a sudden wave of sadness.

„I just don't get it", she said, staring at his chest as if all the answers to her questions were written there. „Why choose insanity if you can have someone perfectly normal?"

Just then, they were interrupted by a muted ringing: Grace's phone. She pulled it out and frowned at the screen. „It's Marcus. What am I supposed to say?"

„Well, what does he want?"

Grace looked at Ben for a second before she answered the phone. She hadn't even told him why she'd come here in the first place: To get him to dance. And she still didn't know if he'd do it.

„Hi, Marcus. What's up? – Yeah, no, of course. Dumb question. I, uh… I did find him, you know." She glanced cautiously in Ben's direction, but he didn't seem too angry about the information she was giving. „Yeah, I'll see what I can do. – He's right here. – Talk to him? Uh…"

Much to her surprise, Ben nodded, gesturing for her to hand over the phone.

„I'll pass you on, then", Grace told Marcus. She mouthed a silent „Thanks" to Ben, but he just waved it off.

„Hey", he said into the phone. „I know. I know when rehearsal started, Marcus. I know the schedule by heart."

It was strange, him talking to Marcus on the phone while looking directly into her eyes. It seemed as if he was talking to both of them at once.

„Yeah, I get it", Ben continued. „I do. And I've got some good news for you: I'm gonna do Romeo. But you'll have to promise me something in return."

What was he doing? Grace knew that bargaining with Marcus usually didn't end too well. She just hoped Ben knew who he was dealing with.

„I'm gonna be your Romeo", he repeated, still looking directly at her. „But the only way I'm gonna do it is with Grace."

Grace blinked when she heard him say her name. She didn't even realize what he'd said there. But Marcus did, apparently, 'cause she heard him debating with Ben in an agitated voice.

„I want Grace as Juliet", Ben told him again. „I don't care what happens to Linda, okay? I'm doing it with Grace or not at all."

„Give me the phone!" Grace found herself saying, already reaching for her phone in his hand. „Let me talk to him."

Ben raised his arm a bit higher so the phone was out of her reach. „Sorry, but I can't let you say no."

„Of course I'm saying no! This is insane! You already got a Juliet and I won't be the one to –"

„One show", Ben interrupted her. „Just one."

Something about the way he talked to her made Grace shut up. One show. What could be so wrong with one show? One time on stage as Juliet and then Linda could have her role back. One show with Ben and it'd be over.

Was that really what she wanted, though? To be his Juliet for just one show? To feel like an understudy? A one-time thing?

„Grace." Suddenly, Ben reached out to take her hand. „You have to help me with this. One show and after that we'll figure everything out, okay? Please."

She stared up at him, biting her lower lip. „I haven't danced for a very long time, Ben. I don't know if I can even –"

„We both know you can do this", he cut her off. „It's not even about the dancing, Grace! It's about something else entirely."

„Yeah, maybe." She shrugged, still unsure whether she should risk saying yes.

It was only when he squeezed her hand and whispered „Come on, don't be a Disgrace" that she found herself nodding, accompanied by a small smile creeping onto her face.

„Is that a yes?" Ben asked, grinning back at her. „Marcus? Are you still there?"

The debate with Marcus didn't go on for long. After Ben told him that she was in for one show, he practically couldn't say no. He needed a lead and Ben was obviously the one with the most potential for the role. Plus, he knew that Grace was the perfect Juliet to his Romeo. He'd seen it with his own eyes when they'd been touring with the Academy. Any director would want them to open his show, and Marcus just couldn't say no to that.

„So, tomorrow night it is", Ben said as he ended the call. „You excited?"

„We need to rehearse", Grace answered. „Thanks to you, I need to learn everything in _one day_!"

„But we both know that's not the problem. The problem is finding my Romeo, right?" When he winked at her, Grace just couldn't keep herself from smiling.

„First, we need you to sober up", she declared, taking a deep breath. „So why don't we find your stuff and take a long walk toward the studio?"

„Anytime, my dear Juliet", he said. Then he held out his arm for her and finally led her inside.

* * *

Dancing with Ben felt exactly like in the old days, no matter what had happened in the meantime. She was his Juliet and he was her Romeo. At least for the show.

Of course, Linda had given her the sourest of looks right before the opening scene, but since Ben had apologized to her about his behavior, at least the two of them got along again.

This was serious, after all. Linda knew she couldn't afford to hate Ben when she wanted to keep her role. Marcus had claimed that he wanted to see some serious chemistry between them or he'd instantly replace her.

In a way, Grace felt sorry for her. It wasn't Linda's fault that Ben was a better dancer than her and could afford to get away with his idiotic behavior. It was pretty unfair, actually. But all Linda cared about was being Juliet, and so that sour look was all she could do to blow off some steam.

For Grace, it was all good, though. As long as Ben looked at her like she truly was his Juliet and they danced like in the old times, it was all good. Grace would've stayed on stage forever with him as her Romeo. But even the best performances had to end eventually – of course, theirs ended with a kiss.

"Grace, I…", Ben whispered in her ear after the kiss, but Grace shook her head.

"Not here", she whispered back.

Ben said it anyway. "I love you." Loud and clear, as if it was part of the show. Expect it wasn't.

"You're a good actor", she told him backstage after the closing scene. "Bet the audience believed your every word."

"So Juliet's not convinced?" he asked, raising one eyebrow at her. "What do I have to do to convince you, My Lady, of my fair intentions?"

She shook her head, laughing even though she didn't want to. It was just so hard to believe that he could've actually meant it. After all, who would love someone like her? Was that even possible for a normal person?

"Grace!" Marcus' voice thundered before she could say anything. "You were so beautiful out there, I can't even tell you how grateful –"

"Marcus, don't", she interrupted him. "You know I could've done much better if I'd had more time to rehearse."

"Oh, please!" Ben tuned in. "Marcus is right: You did great tonight, and you look so beautiful."

She grinned sheepishly. "No Disgrace, then?"

"None at all." He grinned back at her.

Marcus looked from her to Ben and back, but she just waved it off. "Never mind, Marcus. It's kind of an inside joke. Right, Dangle?"

Marcus shook his head. "What? – Listen, you should really find Lucy. She was crazy about your performance, too."

"Yeah, we'll be right with you. Just need one more minute here", Grace told him.

Ben was looking at her with a trace of worry, and she had a vague idea where it was coming from. They'd been here before, in this very moment, deciding the fate of their relationship right after a performance. Only the last time, it didn't end well for the both of them.

"Are we good?" Ben asked her quietly. Grace could tell by the sound of his voice that he was nervous. She was, too.

"I just… " She was looking for the right words, but they weren't there. "I don't know how to say this, Ben."

"I meant what I said", Ben explained, his voice now filled with eagerness. "You were absolutely stunning out there. I can't even tell you how much I missed dancing with you –"

"I've missed it too", Grace jumped in, "but now that it's over, I can't help wondering… where we're gonna go from here, I guess."

Ben took a step toward her. He was now so close that she could feel the heat radiating from his body, and it was very inviting. All Grace wanted was to be drawn in by his strong arms, but there was one thing she needed to know first.

It was Ben who started the questions just then. "Grace, what is this? Why are you looking so sad? Whatever is going on here, please don't do the same thing you did back then. Don't pull away, I'm begging you."

God, why did he sound so terrified all of a sudden? When she looked up into his eyes, she saw them filled with worry. He _really_ did not want to lose her this time. And she did not want to go. There was just this one thing…

"I have to know something, Ben", Grace said nervously. "Will you answer me one question?"

"Anything", he replied immediately. "What do you wanna know?"

"So… I've asked you this before, but you didn't get to answer. And I just keep wondering…"

"Grace, what do you wanna know?"

"Sorry, this is hard." Grace sighed.

Then she felt Ben's hands around her own, and when she looked up again, she realized that there was really no reason to be afraid. This was Ben right in front of her, the only person she could always count on to be honest. The only one standing by her side through the most difficult times in her life. She could ask him anything – even if it might change everything.

"Okay, so… Why me? Why not someone normal like Mindy? Like Tara?"

Her voice broke at Tara's name, but Ben didn't even flinch. He just looked right back at her, like the anchor he'd always been. And that's when she knew: It would be all right, this time. Everything would work out in the end. They had needed to go separate ways all those months ago so they could end up here, now. So they could choose each other now that they were both ready.

Ben's smile only confirmed all that. "Why you?" he repeated, then shook his head. "That is by far the dumbest question I have ever heard."

"So what is your answer?" Grace insisted.

"Well, for starters, because I am no more normal than you are", Ben replied. "Second, don't you ever listen to what I say? _I love you, Grace Whitney._ I told you five minutes ago in front of the whole audience."

"Yeah, as part of the show."

"And now I'm telling you for real." He squeezed both her hands. "I _do_ love you, okay?"

All Grace could do was nod. It was the perfect answer, and the only one that could ever make any sense. He did not love Mindy, or even Tara. Out of all the people on the planet, he'd chosen her to love.

"We can make it work this time", Grace whispered to him, her eyes filling up with tears. "You'll dance your Romeo and I'll figure out what to do with myself in the meantime."

Ben cupped her face with his hands. "You know you could always come back to ballet."

"I do", she said. "But I think I need to figure out what's really best for me right now."

"Well, as long as you stay around", Ben replied. His stupid, beautiful grin made her eyes tear up even more.

"I wasn't planning on going back to Vietnam anytime soon", she assured him. "And if I was, I'd take you with me."

"Sounds like a plan", Ben said, pulling her in for a kiss. "Now let's go find Lucy, so she can start talking you into ballet again…"

Grace didn't need much pep talk, in the end. Dancing was her life and she could live without it no more than she could live without Ben. So after a formal audition, she agreed to stay with the Austin Ballet part-time, as long as Ben's contract was still on.

It was the best thing she could've imagined for her life – better than anything she even _dared_ to imagine. And after all those years of painfully trying not to fall into her mother's steps, she wished there was a way to tell her about this now. That there was a light at the end of every tunnel, even the darkest ones. A happy end for everyone, and this was hers.


End file.
